i can't help my laughter as she cries. my soul brings tears to angelic eyes. [20 Mar 2004|06:49pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | AFI - god called in sick today ] ok I know I said I was back online and all but work has been kickin my ass all this week due to spring break so thats the reason I have to give you people.... Because of work im so stressed out and burnt out... Because money has to run your life I just have to suck it up and deal with it.... but other than that im just going to rant on about how my life is so dull and lifeless... I hate the fact that all i do is work... I never get to go out and enjoy myself anymore its really sad... I go to austin and see my girl and that the only high point in my life right now I thought I had friends in the town i live in but ever since i moved back in with the rents to save money no one ever comes over to chill anymore... thats so annoying how NO BODY wants to come over just because I live with my parents just because IT FEELS WEIRD TO THEM....they dont want to come over... all I have to say is that is FUCKIN PATHETIC how that is.... it goes for all people I know.... thanks you sure let me know where my place is with all of you... but other than that sonettie I need some help with my journal I have this really cool picture that I want to use for my account but I cant figure out how to get it on... so i'll e-mail you the pic and and my password to my account so hopefully you can get it on for me...Well looks like im out of time.... 1 comment|post comment

was I somewhere else dreaming...... [05 Mar 2004|07:35pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | finger eleven - one thing ] So Straghta is now back online so i'll be updating more often for those of you that love to read about my so called life.... Well first and for most I would like to say to heather and josh that last post I wrote out of anger and stress but all ways know I would never get to that level.... but thanks for the advise and I know you guys are just a phone call away... but other than that im mad because I has to kiss so much ass to get the 13th off so I can finally see AFI but they canceled out do to the fact that the lead singer burned out his vocals.... so im a little disapointed...but oh well 1 comment|post comment

im never alone but im alone all the time...... [15 Feb 2004|09:24pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | afi- god called in sick today ] I swear to fuckin christ I hate my fucking life....I dont understand why im all ways the asshole in peoples eyes.... Im sick and tired of it all I really am left out and I feel out of place all the time no one can fully understand me and the way I think its sad... but then again it is my fault for this due to the fact that I have never let any one in... I dont know I will I can start all over from the day I was born or better yet never born...I wish I had the balls to kill myself but I dont thats no way out but the thought has crossed my mind alot... If only I can see what it would be like if I were to die to see how many of my so called friends and family would show up... its like im never alone but im alone all the time (great quote by bush) but its true... it feels like people are there for me but when I turn to the im just an asshole in there eyes... but what do I know????? 2 comments|post comment

all the pain and suffering but it was worth it..... [11 Sep 2003|04:54pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Eve 6- think twice ] I want to start out by saying i'm sorry to all the people that love to read about my exciting life.... I'm sorry that I don't update very often i'm too busy with work and all so i'm sorry for not updating enough... The last few nights I have been off and it was so nice... Tuesday I went to see my " SEXY BITCH " because I haven't scene her in a while and I missed her.... It was real nice to spend time with her but it wasn't enough time although I know i'll see her again soon enough... Last night was the shit!!!! I went and saw Finger Eleven, Revis, Cold, and Evanescence... Finger eleven was the shit I got some really good pictures of them... they put on a really good show... Revis they where good but there still a new band and they still need to learn how to get people going... Cold was really good as well I was in the pit most of the time but I had to step out due to a nasty shoulder into my chest and that caused me to spit up some blood... but I got a friend to snap a few pictures of me in the pit... Evanescence was the shit they did a bad ass job... I was disappointed though I didn't get any pictures of them due to my friend had my camera but its all good... It was a damn good concert in general... I didn't get home till 3:30 this morning and had to be at work at 6:00a.m. I got off at 4:00p.m. and now i'm sore and tired but it was so worth it... post comment

im about to break.... [22 Aug 2003|10:38pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Deftones- Bloody Cape ] I got to find an easier way of making money just b/c these 14 and a half hour days are just killing me... I really don't know how much more of it I can really take... I am running the dinner and I do get good money for doing it and all but I just bust my ass more than I really should... I'm thinking I might have a nervous break down or just burn my self out... But the worse thing i'm afraid of happing is im going to lose my passion for cooking since i'm stuck in a kitchen cooking for 75 plus hours a week... on top of all that stress I have been so confused with my relationship with my girlfriend... Every thing is going good its just that she will be starting school full time from now until a few years from now... Its just going to suck just because she will be in school all the time except for the weekends but thats when I got to put in my 14 and a half hour day friday and saturday so there wouldn't be any point of her coming down if i'm going to work all weekend... My one day off is monday and she has work and then school so its pointless for me to go down there and try and see her... I know we can work through this and all but I have a feeling we are going to slowly drift apart or be real distant from one another... I really want her to finish school at all costs even if i'm holding her back because some times I think that i'm doing so... But I just fear of losing her... But who knows it could be all in my head and i'm just stressin my self for nothing, but this is whats on my mind lately..... 1 comment|post comment

couldn't think of one..... [14 Aug 2003|11:03pm] [ mood | calm ] WOW im really bad at updating my journal.... Well other than that this is what I have done in the past few days... I went up to austin to spend so time with my girlfriend that I love so much. While I was there I had a really good time. We went and saw american wedding, and it really was better then the second one they have. But other than that we just chilled at her house. Well im looking forward to saturday just because I will see my Shanny again and i'll be having a going away party for all my friends that are going to college but my loser ass will be staying here and working instead. Then sunday is going to be a great day due to my 2 year anniversary w/ my girlfriend I dont know what we have planned for the day but im cooking her dinner and then im blindfolding her and im taking her to a cool place to eat the bad ass dinner im cooking her. yeah i got her gift finally and I just went looking for a card to go w/ the gift. It took me all most an hour to find the one card that was good with me and now I got to write something real sweet in it. But im going off to bed now..... post comment

im in a good mood for once..... [29 Jul 2003|08:42pm] [ mood | pleased ] [ music | linkin park- faint ] Well im bad at updating my journal so i'll just go from what happened today. I had to get up at 7 a.m. for work that kind of sucked but while I was working a really good friend of mine came in to eat lunch. Well he did ask if I was working and so the bartender came and got me out of the kitchen and I was in shock when I saw him. Just because i haven't sceen him in two years so it was cool. After I got off work I called this guy up and he came over and as he showed up so did Quade, Pooser, and Jess. So it was cool to chill with every one. We ended up busting out Super Smash Brothers for the gamecube and played that for a few hours. after all that I got to sleep for a few hours and now im doing this. But wednesday and thursday I got to work doubles witch is a 14 hour day for me and im not looking forward to that either. After I put my time in thursday im going to Austin. Im not really looking forward to the drive after a 14 hour day but I get to see my girlfriend so that will make things look up for me. Im going to spend Friday with her so that will be nice, but then I have to leave later that night due to me working another double on saturday. so I will be pretty busy over the next few days...... post comment

history repeats its self....... [24 Jul 2003|11:51pm] [ mood | relieved ] [ music | finger elever's slow chemical ] Well For the past few days I have been really fucked in the head blaming my self with guilt and regret. A few nights ago some shit happened between my parents. For those of you I told you know what im talking about but any way I had a chance to stop what was going on because I passed by my parents house and did noticed a few things that where out of place but I didn't stop to check and thats where the guilt and regret comes in to play. I know some people have told me its not my fault due to the fact I didn't know it was going to happen but I still blame myself for not stopping. The reason I was fucked in the head was because this stuff happened when I was little it happened all the time and I would just close every one out and just say fuck every one in my life and just stay to my self. but when this little event that happened I got to the point where I shut every one out. And when I did so I know I really hurt some one that is dear to me and I know I had told her im sorry for shutting her out when I should of told her whats wrong. But I know you will read this soon enough but im truly sorry for hurting you the way I did. 1 comment|post comment

up dating [17 Jul 2003|07:23pm] Well I have had a few eventful couple of days. On the 14th as I was going to call it a night I get a call from a good friend of mine and he is telling me this guy named "NEO" some little matrix poser is going around asking all of my friends questions about me. The thing that got me was no one really knows who he is. So I get to the pimp bench " it is what we call our little hang out spot" and im asking this NEO guy what the sudden interest in me? He replyed with the name of my old roommate. Right then and there I told him to leave and not come back. For those of you who dont know me my old roommate has had a grudge against me for a year now. The reason for this is b/c of me kicking him out of my place. Its a stupid reason to keep a grudge against some one for that long. But my ex roommate keeps running his mouth saying hes going to kick my ass for it. Thats where NEO comes in to play he was told to spy on me. Trying to find out anything new about me that my ex roommate didn't know. But This NEO guy broke down and told us everything.... So we told him if he shows his face again I would regulate on his ass. So the next night what does this guy do he shows his face and it was on but he said the only reason why he was hear is b/c he had a message from my ex roommate and all he said was its over. Now im thinking if he was a man he would tell me him self but hes a punk so untill I hear it from his mouth its not over. Other events work I almost got fired the other day due to leveling some wet back out. Some people think im a violent person but im not I had good reasons for my actions and they where he plugged in the meat slicer while i was cleaning it and when he did so it turned on and cut the shit out of my arm so I knocked his ass out for it. But since he messed me up I just returned the favor and I got off with a warning about how I need to control my anger. But today is my day off and I have done nothing and do nothing. but thats all for now I guess. post comment

mixed thoughts [14 Jul 2003|09:47pm] So this is the first time I have written in a journal in a while so this is how I do things. I never name any names so if you think im talking about you I could be. I only do this so I don't go off making any body mad. But other than that life is just grand. There is so much going on in my life right now its really starting to stress me out. Work is the main thing stressin me out the most. Well just a few months ago i got my self a brand new 2003 Hyundai Tiburon the car I have wanted for the last three years. Well I got it now and im loving it. But there is all ways a price to pay for wanting the things you want and the price im paying is a shit load of money to keep it. Its not paying the monthly payments on it its my damn insurance. My insurance is running me $238 a month. When I tell most people what it is they are saying its to much to be paying. But thats the cheapest I got the most i have seen for it was $475 a month so I got lucky on this deal. But since im new to there policy I have to pay double payments for the first three months so that jumps it up to $476 a month. And this is where work comes in to play im not getting enough shifts to cover my car payment, insurance, and all the other bill i have for the month. But thats life for you. I have so much more to write down but it will be for another day... post comment

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